Life is beautiful.
I realized that yesterday as I was reflecting on my life in San Francisco. I was thinking about all my relationships with people who've come and stayed, or who've come and gone, and how precious everyone is in our lives. They're our angels that watch over us, and sometimes they need to take care of business in other people's lives...that's why we lose them. But when they are meant to be in your life - they are.
I haven't spoken to my best friend (since elementary school) for nearly two years. Someone who has been integrated into my family, my friends and my life for over 20 years...was gone. In those two years, I felt very alone and abandoned, but I had to fight my own battle of the skeletons in the closet that were hiding there for so long that I didn't even realize it. this is why she left. And this was how I started my birthday: trying to rekindle that cherished friendship with her because we are like family.
I've made attempts in the past to get in contact with her, but was always denied. I decided that an invitation to my birthday this year would be my final attempt of reaching out to mend our friendship, and she responded.
We had our own little celebration, and then we had the talk of what happened to us. why did our paths go their separate ways? And though we both thought we were going to cry during our reunion, we didn't. It's funny because as I'm sitting here, I feel very overwhelmed with emotions that I can't really put into words. We both hurt each other, and we both just want to fix and make things better between us.
After breakfast, we were walking along the bay, and she pointed out towards the city where you could see the thick, grey fog engulfing a part of the city.
"See that fog? I felt like you were trapped inside your own fog, and I wanted you to realize that you could fight and break through it. I just couldn't help you."
She said the pain I was experiencing was something she couldn't watch me go through, and knew she had to help others who were in much dire situations than mine. I know that there are people with less fortunate situations in our life, but sometimes you get involved in your own that you forget what it is you have right in front of you.
"You were like that butterfly...if you love it, set it free. If it was meant to be, it'll return. I guess it works the same in friendships."
I think it works with any relationship. It just hurts to let go of something that beautiful, never knowing if it will ever come back to you. You can only watch from a distance and hope that you are the home it longs for. Her and I unintentionally let each other go because we had to. We had to fight our battles that no one else could fight for us.
I wish we never lost those two years of friendship and as we both reflected back, we couldn't exactly remember when we let each other go, but do know it was two years ago. This was the year students wrote "F*ck you" on my stuff. She said she couldn't listen to how I was getting badgered by them, and how it was my reality. I just wish she could have been there to see that the life of education is not entirely roses.
What I got out of our reunion was a good two hour walk and talk with an old friend, and a terrible sunburn on my chest. that's what I get for wearing a tube top.
Later that day...
I decided to bake birthday cupcakes for myself. Even though, I was very tired from the walk and itchy from my sunburn, I was still determined to bake them. Once that was done, I headed out to the beach to stake claim on one of the bonfire pits, but failed. We just ended up making, which I found out later was illegal, our own bonfire pit. I dug most of it, while Koko put sand back into it.
I flew a kite for the first time in years. It was actually a lot of fun that it made me want to get one, but it cost $60. yikes.
We sat around the bonfire, listening to music, eating cherry bombs and smores...and eventually the cupcakes. Around 11, we got busted by park rangers for our illegal bonfire pit and everyone went home. My sister wanted to help me with all of the stuff in my car, but I knew she had to take care of her school work. I thought it was very sweet of her to even offer to do work at my place because I think she secretly knew that I did not want my birthday to end so abruptly. I love my Churbs for that.
I came upstairs, smelling of bonfire smoke and lay on my couch (which I will have to febreeze in a bit) and reflected on my life. We're always wanting MORE of something we don't know, but really...all I'm wanting more of is the love and interaction between my friends and family. I want to make memories with them, not reflect on the memories with them. Life is too short to dilly dally on what we want to do, and if opportunity to do something great for yourself arises....the only person who stops yourself, and this is true, is you.
Oddly, my dad taught me that by telling stories about his life. He never said, "if i can..." he always said, "i will..."
All about perspective. For a brief moment, I forgot what it was like to believe in myself, but I think I'm slowly coming back around.
Labels: Random thoughtful
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Coming up: A new year
It's the final day of 2008, and of course, what better way to celebrate the end of the year than with family and/or friends. I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen, typing this on my brother's laptop (which btw, does not have a working question mark, so if you see "<" it's intended for a question mark hehe) and mental preparing myself for the new year.
I have a lot of ideas and plans that I want to make sure I carry out, and a lot of it deals with trying to find the EXACT place I want to be. I miss San Francisco, but what is it about that place that I really miss> (there you go...the missing question mark) When I spoke with my friend Denise, we both figured it out - it's the fact that we were able to "build" our own life in SF. I'm financially independent, socially independent and well...just independent. I'm not 100% sure of what I'm trying to say, but I think i've reached a point in my life where I just want to share myself, and what i have.
Anyways, I think I'm getting ahead of myself here. I have a list of things I want to do differently, and I have a few goals I would like to accomplish. For the past couple of years, I have put who I really am aside. You get lost when you move to a new city and it's hard to find yourself because you get distracted by all the beauty/ugliness that the place has to offer. I "misplaced" my strong beliefs, my convictions, and my passion for what I love because of fear of being ridiculed. I'm not even sure why i did that.
I miss playing tennis. I miss running my insane 6 miles/day. I miss downloading, listening and dancing to music. I miss this part of me that I left here in SoCal, and this upcoming 2009 - I'm taking her with me to the Bay. I just need to buy a tennis racket, get my ankle 100% better and find DJ friends lol
Ok. I'm babbling. Those aren't my only "goals" for new years, but just some things i've been playing with in my head. I have to help clean up now for dinner tonight.I'm also cooking pancit, lumpia and i dunno, maybe, chicken adobo =)
I still need to write my rundown of 2008, but oh well, I'll do that later.
Happy New Years!
Labels: Random thoughtful
