Mr. Texas

Current mood: sad
It's been such a long time since i've blogged. Life and laziness are to blame for that part, but today I just can't keep all my thoughts focused.

Around mid-July, I emailed my ex from college, Mr. Texas, to get some tips on sight seeing things in Seattle since I planned to go (which I did in late August), but never heard back from him. i figured two things: something was wrong, or he was really busy. I didn't think of it like him to not reply, but i know how things are now that we are older...and i just let the thought go.

Oddly, i was thinking about him a couple of weeks ago as i was looking at the night sky. He's the one that told me where the different constellations are in the Fall night sky. I always thanked him for sharing that bit of random information since i eventually used it in my studies of Astronomy a couple of years later.

He was passionate about the ocean, surfing, music and standing up for what he believed. At times, he was a complete jerk and at one point was an asshole in my eyes after his cowardly break up from our relationship. in time, my heart healed and i forgave him for his asshole-ness. Since then, we've communicated on RARE occassions, but more for quick updates about what's been going on. I knew I would never be his girlfriend nor would he ever be my boyfriend. It's just something I knew. We just weren't meant for each other.

Last night I saw that he emailed me, and opened it to find that his wife was emailing me to let me know that Eric had passed away LAST October 2008. I got one last email from him four days before he passed away...and all it said was, "are you there?"

His wife didn't go into details of how or why he passed away, but it's weird how a part of me is feeling extremely saddened by it. I remember him asking me (when we were together) to marry him, and that we would have cute children together. I wasn't ready for that because I still had goals i wanted to accomplish. He was already living back in Texas and me in SoCal. His drinking and his way of handling his anger bothered me. I didn't feel safe when he drank, but it's so weird how he was also the first guy to ever tell me that i was beautiful, and that i should start believing i was.

It's dumb to be sitting here with tear-filled eyes, thinking about an ex-boyfriend. from YEARS ago.

This just makes me realize how precious life is ,and how we take for granted those who love us so much. How I don't want to miss out on anything in my life, nor regret anything.

I never regretted that relationship. He apologized a year or two later, and i forgave him. I'm glad that he knew I did because there's always a small part of me that still cared. as a friend.

Rest in Peace, Mr. Eric Powell. Thank you for sharing your life with me in the short amount of time we had back at CSUN. I'll never forget you.

My 1st anniversary of my *ahem* decade.

Life is beautiful.

I realized that yesterday as I was reflecting on my life in San Francisco. I was thinking about all my relationships with people who've come and stayed, or who've come and gone, and how precious everyone is in our lives. They're our angels that watch over us, and sometimes they need to take care of business in other people's lives...that's why we lose them. But when they are meant to be in your life - they are.

I haven't spoken to my best friend (since elementary school) for nearly two years. Someone who has been integrated into my family, my friends and my life for over 20 years...was gone. In those two years, I felt very alone and abandoned, but I had to fight my own battle of the skeletons in the closet that were hiding there for so long that I didn't even realize it. this is why she left. And this was how I started my birthday: trying to rekindle that cherished friendship with her because we are like family.

I've made attempts in the past to get in contact with her, but was always denied. I decided that an invitation to my birthday this year would be my final attempt of reaching out to mend our friendship, and she responded.

We had our own little celebration, and then we had the talk of what happened to us. why did our paths go their separate ways? And though we both thought we were going to cry during our reunion, we didn't. It's funny because as I'm sitting here, I feel very overwhelmed with emotions that I can't really put into words. We both hurt each other, and we both just want to fix and make things better between us.

After breakfast, we were walking along the bay, and she pointed out towards the city where you could see the thick, grey fog engulfing a part of the city.

"See that fog? I felt like you were trapped inside your own fog, and I wanted you to realize that you could fight and break through it. I just couldn't help you."

She said the pain I was experiencing was something she couldn't watch me go through, and knew she had to help others who were in much dire situations than mine. I know that there are people with less fortunate situations in our life, but sometimes you get involved in your own that you forget what it is you have right in front of you.

"You were like that butterfly...if you love it, set it free. If it was meant to be, it'll return. I guess it works the same in friendships."

I think it works with any relationship. It just hurts to let go of something that beautiful, never knowing if it will ever come back to you. You can only watch from a distance and hope that you are the home it longs for. Her and I unintentionally let each other go because we had to. We had to fight our battles that no one else could fight for us.

I wish we never lost those two years of friendship and as we both reflected back, we couldn't exactly remember when we let each other go, but do know it was two years ago. This was the year students wrote "F*ck you" on my stuff. She said she couldn't listen to how I was getting badgered by them, and how it was my reality. I just wish she could have been there to see that the life of education is not entirely roses.

What I got out of our reunion was a good two hour walk and talk with an old friend, and a terrible sunburn on my chest. that's what I get for wearing a tube top.

Later that day...

I decided to bake birthday cupcakes for myself. Even though, I was very tired from the walk and itchy from my sunburn, I was still determined to bake them. Once that was done, I headed out to the beach to stake claim on one of the bonfire pits, but failed. We just ended up making, which I found out later was illegal, our own bonfire pit. I dug most of it, while Koko put sand back into it.

I flew a kite for the first time in years. It was actually a lot of fun that it made me want to get one, but it cost $60. yikes.

We sat around the bonfire, listening to music, eating cherry bombs and smores...and eventually the cupcakes. Around 11, we got busted by park rangers for our illegal bonfire pit and everyone went home. My sister wanted to help me with all of the stuff in my car, but I knew she had to take care of her school work. I thought it was very sweet of her to even offer to do work at my place because I think she secretly knew that I did not want my birthday to end so abruptly. I love my Churbs for that.

I came upstairs, smelling of bonfire smoke and lay on my couch (which I will have to febreeze in a bit) and reflected on my life. We're always wanting MORE of something we don't know, but really...all I'm wanting more of is the love and interaction between my friends and family. I want to make memories with them, not reflect on the memories with them. Life is too short to dilly dally on what we want to do, and if opportunity to do something great for yourself arises....the only person who stops yourself, and this is true, is you.

Oddly, my dad taught me that by telling stories about his life. He never said, "if i can..." he always said, "i will..."

All about perspective. For a brief moment, I forgot what it was like to believe in myself, but I think I'm slowly coming back around.

my new year....so far...

well. i have officially been bed-ridden sick for an entire week already! I was totally dandy and spunky last week, but it hit me hard on Tuesday morning (the day of the Inauguration) and I've basically been in bed the entire time. Well, except on Thursday when I attempted to go to work, but realized after an hour that it was a ridiculous idea. Only today have I been able to walk around, with the feeling of dizziness here and there. I'm feeling extremely weak, and i have no appetite at all. I've been forcing myself to eat because I do not want to go through some weird "shock" when I start to eat again.

Anyways, I feel terrible for missing work and also terrible for all the work that will be before me this week =( sadness to the max.

I haven't been able to write my 2008 rundown (yet), and I'm itching to do so. I just want to have some REAL reflective time to do it, and having to work and being sick has not exactly been good enough for me to do that. Reflecting back is also a bit painful because of all the crazy shananigans that have happened. Overall, 2008 is definitely not one of my favorite years. definitely. There were many WONDERFUL highlights, but yah....

Work has been overall good. WEll, aside from missing this past week, and I'm surprised at how much fun I am having. I was really sad for missing work, and I feel like I've let the students down by not being there. We also had a dance competition that I heard the team I was on, won =) there's a reason for everything right, but man, i was looking forward to it so much. I wanted to show my coworkers, my students and myself that I am capable of doing much more than just math/science. I wanted to show them this time.

Man, I'm totally out of it. My thoughts are all over the place right now and I want to take a nap. My chest feels like something is sitting right on top of it. So weird. Anyways, i'll talk to u later mr. blogger.

sitting around

It's been a long time since I've signed onto the world of AIM. So the first conversation I have with an old friend is this:

Kay: do you realize that you have destroyed my woody?
Me: what?!
Me: how?
Kay: he is so obsessed with having a bigger pot than you in texas hold 'em
Me: LMAO
Kay: he can't stop playing
Me: that is tooooo funny
Me: hahahah
Kay: he is addicted
Me: he is trying to beat me?
Me: ahhaha
Kay: he keeps saying Jen has 40?!?
Me: hahaha
Me: 41 now ;-)

I just think it's funny how there's a competition that I didn't know of...

Andalu. Medjool. Ferrero Rochers.

These past couple of weeks have been pretty hilarious. Well, hilarious to me =P

I came back from SoCal on Friday evening and vegged out in front of my tv watching the movie Micky Blue Eyes and attempting to unpack from my trip. Yah. that totally did not happen. On Saturday, I was going to unpack, but ended up on a trip to the North Bay where..get this...I won $167 (well, technically I won $267, but I had to count for the amount of money spent!) at River Rock Casino. It was fun times, and I oddly was convinced to sign up for a "player's card" because I might end up going there often. ahhaha

I came back to the city for an appointment and then ended up doing nothing else, but parlaying and getting ready for the next work day. Boo.

This past work week has been quite relaxing, and I am seriously loving the students this year. I love them every year, but this is the year I actually feel appreciated by them (either that, or they are straight up doing a good job with kissing my buttocks). This makes me love my job even more, and made me think - "so i have to endure 4 years of madness in order to get one year of goodness." Hmm. is that true? If it is, that sucks lol

And that leads us to last night...

My friend turned the big THREE-OH and wanted to have a small dinner at a restaurant called Andalu in the Mission. I invited my cousin as my "date" and she came over in the late afternoon. We went down to get some under $10 dim sum, and then headed back to my place. We were feeling reluctant to go to the dinner, and I was explaining to her my nervousness about seeing one of my friends (That is another story for another time). We also started talking about the book, He's Just Not That Into You and she was laughing the whole time. I have counted that as one of my favorite books, and even though it seems a bit f*cked up to read - it puts things into perspective when it comes to the so called "stupid boys." My cousin said, "I guess it wasn't the guys that were stupid, it was us for misinterpreting them." hahahah She concluded that she wants to write a book in response to that entitled, SHE'S just not that into you. I'd like to see her come up with that book...

I made her watch HIMYM while I took a shower, and once we were ready, headed out to the restaurant. I would like to say that I was quite impressed by the ambiance, as well as the price of the dishes. I would definitely like to go back to this place again! My cousin (Shielz) met my friends Denise, Francis, Jaime and Ingrid, as well as Denise's friends: Tia, Victor and Meisha. It was a lot of fun sitting and eating, and listening to the conversation of the different types of Gout medications out there. It was also a surprise when we learned of a Health Service Fee that you get charged if you bring your own desserts (Denise brought 9 cupcakes from a place called Sprinkles from Palo Alto). I will say though, that the cupcakes from Sprinkles were BOMB! I have always loved Magnolia's Cupcakes in NYC, but I do believe that Sprinkles has won my affection for the West Coast. Definitely a place I want to check out on my own sometime soon.

After the lovely meal at Andalu's, we headed over to Medjool. Ahh, yes. The rooftop was dopeass since it was a semi-clear night with a full moon (which btw, is the largest full moon for 2009). My cousin drank and danced, and it was a lot of fun. She ended up quoting some things from HIMYM, which I thought was funny since I didn't think she would like it so much. But she does!

Other random quotes from the evening:

"How come he's not paying attention to me? Maybe he's just not that into me."
"I totally forgot that your my ghetto girl." - apparently, I'm ghetto LOL
"He didn't want a high five, but that was awesome!"
"Oh, I'm sorry guys. Let's talk about something else. Let's talk about arthritis."
"Oh wow. I think these are the best balls I've ever had!"
"I just took my balls and froze them over night, and then fried them."
"Remember when I first met her, she told me that I needed to get laid." LOL

Yah. Those are the memorable quotes. =D

The night ended with us leaving the bunch at Medjool, driving home, knocking out as soon as we got dressed for bed, and me laughing because I forgot she had bought a huge box of Ferrero Rochers (which are sitting on my coffee table). I love it!

Hmm. I had other things I wanted to write about, but my friend from the North Bay text me to tell me she's on her way, and I need to clean my apartment. Maybe even squeeze in a nap? We'll see...

Coming up: A new year

It's the final day of 2008, and of course, what better way to celebrate the end of the year than with family and/or friends. I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen, typing this on my brother's laptop (which btw, does not have a working question mark, so if you see "<" it's intended for a question mark hehe) and mental preparing myself for the new year.

I have a lot of ideas and plans that I want to make sure I carry out, and a lot of it deals with trying to find the EXACT place I want to be. I miss San Francisco, but what is it about that place that I really miss> (there you go...the missing question mark) When I spoke with my friend Denise, we both figured it out - it's the fact that we were able to "build" our own life in SF. I'm financially independent, socially independent and well...just independent. I'm not 100% sure of what I'm trying to say, but I think i've reached a point in my life where I just want to share myself, and what i have.

Anyways, I think I'm getting ahead of myself here. I have a list of things I want to do differently, and I have a few goals I would like to accomplish. For the past couple of years, I have put who I really am aside. You get lost when you move to a new city and it's hard to find yourself because you get distracted by all the beauty/ugliness that the place has to offer. I "misplaced" my strong beliefs, my convictions, and my passion for what I love because of fear of being ridiculed. I'm not even sure why i did that.

I miss playing tennis. I miss running my insane 6 miles/day. I miss downloading, listening and dancing to music. I miss this part of me that I left here in SoCal, and this upcoming 2009 - I'm taking her with me to the Bay. I just need to buy a tennis racket, get my ankle 100% better and find DJ friends lol

Ok. I'm babbling. Those aren't my only "goals" for new years, but just some things i've been playing with in my head. I have to help clean up now for dinner tonight.I'm also cooking pancit, lumpia and i dunno, maybe, chicken adobo =)

I still need to write my rundown of 2008, but oh well, I'll do that later.

Happy New Years!

A season that gives reason...

...to blog!

I have been free from work for almost a week, and let me tell you that is has been a quick vacation. I am a little bit sad to go back to work soon, but also at the same time very excited to see what the new year has to bring. It'll be wonderful.

There are some things I did not accomplish before my trek down here to SoCal. One was my laundry. I ran out of quarters, and of cash. It was pretty sad that I decided that it was best to just pack the 5 loads of laundry (yes, it was that much) and bring it down here to my parents house. Advantage : free laundry and i can do it at anytime, disadvantage:i have to lug it back to the bay. boo. No complaints. It's alright.

I wanted to finish some work before bring that along with me also, but i think that it's a well deserved ignore work for 2 weeks kinda deal and I'm glad that is how I've been working with it. That's work for you.

This Xmas holiday is different from the past because my two brothers are not here. It's actually the first time both of them are not here (they're on the East coast) and they won't be here for another couple of days. I just think it's so odd how life has changed so much, and how much our family still wants to hold on to the tradition of opening gifts ALL together. It's also not the same kind of spirit because there are no children around. In all honesty, I think in some way they bring that magic to Christmas. The innocence and smile of their face, and just overall - loving life.

I'm not 100% sure what I'm trying to write in this entry, but I do know that I do miss writing. Just giving myself time to let everything in my mind somehow be conveyed on screen/paper is a great thing. It's like a form of letting go of all that you feel or think inside.

Anyhoo, I guess that's all for now. I'm doing my second load of laundry and I'm quite proud of myself. Trying not to scarf down all the good food has been a challenge. I've started to think of my new resolutions to help better myself, and i've even decided to set up some things I want to accomplish. Those are still in the process, as well as my annual rundown of each year. *sigh* good times.

That's all. Time to party with the laundry and the family.