Friday, January 08, 2010
Creativity + Is this the end or the beginning of a decade?
Been sketching daily since the new year hit. I hate resolutions, but in this case I think it wasn't a proclamation I made and just started doing it (but there was foresight.) I'm glad I've done it because I've felt a good creative vibe lately. I also think it might have to do with the beginner yoga I've been doing: to stretch my body and also focus on habit and balance. I don't know - but my body feels better.
My dreams have been quite vivid lately, also. I don't remember them much now, but over the past week I've had some very strange, action-packed dreams. Nothing too drastic, dramatic, or "telling". They've just been all over the place. I think that has to do with the creativity (the drawing, the writing, the better TV, the talking about creativity). Even if I'm still not writing as regularly as I would like, more ideas for writing have been coming and much more easily. And this is where I need your help.
Daily themes can be pretentious. At the sake of it being pretentious and disingenuous, I am going to make daily themes for my blog. I have two:
Movie Mondays: Select a random movie that I've seen (or love) and talk about it.
Favorite Fridays: Select a random "fave ____ ever" and write about it.
I also thought of an idea of creating stories, once a week, around random people I meet. Maybe some LOST flashbacks for them. But, maybe that's a different blog.
So, help! What should some of my other daily (Tue, Wed, Thu) themes be?
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Is 2010 the end of the decade or the start of it?
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Gilbert.
Let's preface this:
1) I think guns are stupid. I'm one of the hippies that cringes when kids are playing with toy guns - even the Nerf ones (that are admittedly super fun to play with.)
2) I am a Gilbert fan, so this might be a bit biased.
3) I believe that the NBA and the Wizards have the right to punish him however they feel is necessary (suspensions, voided contract, etc.)
4) I also understand the difference between having guns at home versus bringing them to work.
Now...
I think this situation is being blown WAAAY out of proportion - IF, in fact, that there wasn't the showdown, gun blazing situation that non-reputable "sources" are saying. Again, punishment by the NBA, the Wizards, AND law enforcement isn't my issue. It's the MEDIA. Like always.
I shouldn't expect any less from ESPN, but their talk machine has been crazy. Gilbert's lack of "deference" to the levity of the situation is really that GRAVE? Yes, he's been joking about the situation since it's been in the public. So what?
Let's review ACTUAL FACTS:
Gilbert brought in guns to the arena and workplace. STUPID!
Gilbert's guns are registered. No reports I've heard or read have stated otherwise.
Gilbert's guns were ALL unloaded.
So, yes, he's an idiot for doing what he did. But he didn't kill anyone. He wasn't CLOSE to killing anyone. There are so many accidents in the world of loaded guns with children playing with them that are far more malicious than this. Why? Because they were loaded!
The way Gilbert's getting lambasted by ESPN on Sportscenter is ridiculous. Them and their "someone just killed someone soundtrack" to review the montage is ridiculous. But, it's ESPN. What should we expect?
The NRA spends so much time and money bitching about gun access. It's in the Bill of Rights. Blah blah. Remember, I think guns are STUPID, anyway. But in this case, I'm more frustrated by the way people are reacting and the way it is being covered. And, this story is ONLY a story because:
1) The NBA is scared of an image of thuggery. And apparently, a lot of America believes that black people that play basketball professionally are all thugs.
2) Gilbert hasn't shown enough repentance in public.
3) Gilbert's a black man with a gun. Charleton Heston got his share for his NRA stuff, but people scoffed at him. But, Gilbert is being presented like some evil and malicious man.
If more details arise that the guns WERE loaded and they weren't registered, then I'll take this all back.
But until then, people need to get a fuckin' grip.
Ulam cooked @ 11:23 AM
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Body. Body Image. My Journey So Far.
Today, I'm wearing this Threadless shirt that used to be super baggy (XL). Since then, and a few washes since, it has shrunk. Not a problem being an XL shirt, but it's fitting weirdly on me. I've been exercising regularly over the past 3 weeks and eating vastly less than usual on most days (with obvious gorging days on Christmas Eve, Christmas, the day after Christmas, and New Years). Other than, I think my caloric intake is far lower than it should be - to the point that my metabolism must've been weirded out (there was a point when I was eating one small meal throughout the day - before dinner - not on purpose). I've been doing a combo of biking (first week), cardio videos, and a mix of various yoga vids. I also had a day to work out my core while doing hours of sledding at the BFolks new year's snow trip. I was totally sore the next two days in my abs, although not as sore as I would've been had I not been working on my core the whole week prior.
Anyway, back to this shirt. Calorie counting, fat calories on the minimum (except for those gourging days), yoga vids twice a day (about 22 min worth), ab exercises (10), and cardio (20-25) and I feel "fat".
I have body image issues.
I've never quite admitted that publicly but I do. That's why I often times, after eating a medium to large meal, breathe in and rub my stomach "flat" like that'll get rid of it. I'm not anorexic or bulemic or savagely unhealthy with my body image issues, but I'm generally just rarely comfortable with myself in terms of my "weight".
I went from being a regular sized toddler to a slightly chubbier pre-teen to a hyper-skinny kid during my growth spurt. Then, in later high school my body started to change. Half a year of football helped. Starting in the Spring of '93, I started to lift weights (sorta), exercise A LOT regularly, and develop a healthier appetite. Then, when my sophomore year ended. There was no more football - I flaked out. There was no more PE - aged out. There was much less walking - friends started to drive. With the increased mobility, the friends and I grabbed more food more randomly. I still played football or basketball regularly afterschool, but it wasn't the same. Plus, my body was just changing. My body settled in with my bones and started to fill out like they were supposed to. I left high school at around 180. That meant I was "obese".
Freshman year in college was kinda cooky. I ate regularly, but I guess not too regularly. I had a lot of meals left on my meal plan. I guess I also walked around campus a lot more even though I spent a lot of the year riding around with my older peeps and Lisa. They say you there's a Freshman 15 (plus or minus 15 pounds). In my case, i lost about 5-10 pounds because at the end of the school year I was in the 175 range.
Then. Came. The flood. Of pounds. Disguised in late night Jack in the Crack, Taco Bell, and lots and lots of beer and alcohol. I didn't start drinking in college til the later half of my 2nd year, and I did - not - turn - back. I've also never apologized to my whole body - particularly my liver - publicly so here it is: SORRY LIVER! At least with college though, there were parties of dancing, walking around campus to get to class (sometimes) and work (always). There was PCN, there was emotional stress, there were walking around to bashfully play coy with the girls (and subsequently never getting any.. hmm.. attention?).
Post-college, it didn't stop. Oh, the walking stopped. If I remember properly, then this was life from 2001-2003:
- wake up Monday dreading the work week but always happy to hang out with the Place
peeps.
- drive to work, eat lunch after 3, drive home, eat dinner, drive to Alvin's house,
possibly eat more, drive home, sleep.
- Thursdays would usually mean beer and food downtown after work. That meant food late in the night also, typically.
- Fridays would be spent in Downtown San Jose or in San Francisco for a club of some
sort.
- If it wasn't a clubbing type of night, it was a loaf around Fremont night that included some sort of fast food.
- If it wasn't in the bay, it was in Davis or Sacramento that almost ALWAYS meant more beer and late night eats of some kind: Alberto's, fast food, etc.
- Sunday was chill. Or it was more food, beer, and Madden in Davis/Sac. And it was a very late late late drive home - usually no earlier than 1 or 2am on Monday. That meant I had 3 hours to sleep before the start of the work week.
- REPEAT.
Occassionally, a basketball game, a flag football game, a hike, a tennis game, a 2-4 day streak of the treadmill, would get thrown in. But nothing enough to counteract the grease, the fat, and the alcohol intake.
At some point between January and May 2004, I clocked in at around 245-250. Not sure if that was before or after a weekend. But, let's say 250 was my tops.
On Memorial Day 2004, the bfolks and I went on our not-so-annual hike in Point Reyes. It was a decent challenge, if I remember correctly. If I also remember correctly, I remember talking to Humboldt on the drive home about getting into shape - what else was there to do? May 2004 sparked the end of my first year of grad school and that meant that I was completely rootless until September. No job. No school. And it also intersected a time when I distanced myself from the crew (as I guess I've tended to do here and there. I guess, at some point, I need vast amounts of alone time. At that time, I was also uncomfortable with some stuff that I'd care not to share.)
After the hiking that Monday, I got to jogging. I jogged the lap around Lake Elizabeth (2 miles) with some pre and post walking. I also shot the basketball around after the job to work on my shot and to work out my arms. I did that a 3 or 4 times a week. At some point, early on, I went to Costco with Mon and found a soy protein meal replacement. I had that in the morning and for lunch - I sandwiched my runs with them.
I also made a promise to eat only one burrito per month. I stopped drinking (easier
since I no longer worked with my Place peeps and I wasn't partying with the bfolks). I ran to spinach as my health food. I still ate rice and all the normal stuff that was cooked by my parents. I made sure, though, that after dinner I would eat fruit. I also drank LOTS and LOTS of water. This was my routine for a few weeks before I started to get shin splints. I exchanged the running at the lake with running on the treadmill at home. Spider-man and Gladiator DVDs were in heavy rotation.
Oh. And I played basketball every Sunday at Newark hoops. When I ran and needed to
focus, I envisioned a basketball game. I wanted to be fit. I wanted to lose weight. But I also wanted to rock at Sunday hoops. It helped push me.
Aside from the meal replacements, I also made sure to order salad or soup and salad
every time we ate out after a game. Basically, I was making more conscious and
disciplined decisions with my nutrition along with having a very dedicated exercising schedule.
When running on the treadmill, I almost always burned at least 450 calories.
At some point in August, I think I weighed in around 215. So, I lost about 30 pounds in 2 1/2 months.
Eventually, I came to about 200. Over the next five years, 200 was the median weight.
Without actually weighing myself constantly, I'm sure, with how my clothes fit, I was down to 195 and would get back to 205-207 after Hawaii trips, or NY trips, or crazy lazy weekends, or after parties.
And, for whatever reasons, I seemed to have more luck in the dating department. Well, I got more returned interest, not necessarily successful "relationships". Whatever those are. And, maybe my flippant feelings about relationships helped. Anyway.
The workout regimen changed up a bit in 2009. I traveled a lot. Newark hoops died
down. Weekend nights were more fun having dinner or hanging out. And, pretty much, I just got lazy. The thing with exercise is that it truly is habitual. The high from execersizing along came with streaks. And that doesn't count for the mental notes we make to ourselves saying that "we've been so good"!
Nevertheless, I still stayed around 200. Up. Then down. Then came the dreaded holiday season.
But I've been working out a lot more since December. There's just been a lot more
eating and said gorging. Hence the more focused eating and exercise of the past weeks.
I know that this shirt I'm wearing fits weirdly moreso because of the dryer than my body size. I'm not at the weight I want to be, yet I know I'm much more healthier now than I was a few weeks ago. Despite being tired, I think the stretching and focus on my breathing has helped spruce up my body's energy. I also can do stretches, core workouts, and other things with less strain (lots of strain - just less of it). I can feel it on my face, my neck, my upper arms, and my calves that the exercise is working. But I still feel like a messy slob sometimes - even though I shouldn't.
It's not like I'm obsessive or won't do stuff or generally feel like I'm a piece of crap. Not at all. But I just have body image issues despite knowing better than to have them. And it's a little liberating to share it.
