Monday, November 10, 2008

Crazy Energy Revisited: "peacocking"
The strange coincidences started to fade away.. that.. or I haven't been paying as much attention lately. Work's been getting busier and with the Election and Nanowrimo converging at the same time, life's been more of an afterthought.

Maybe October was just - self-indulgence month. Food, beer, psuedo-drama, hopeful things, and whatnot. That meant understanding myself and the world around me were priorities number one and one-a. With the other parts of life becoming the forefront, all of the esoteric hippie shit gets pushed in the back-burner. (Not completely though.)

So, lately, I've been thinking of the idea of "peacocking" a bit more. As you know, the peacocks have the beautiful feather patterns and they expose them as a mating ritual. (Or so I assume). So, peacocking means "getting your game on" or "showin' out". It means.. digging out of this desired hole of anonymity that I've somehow grown into. It means.. stop feeling wrong for trying to self-advocate. It means.. being out there in the world showing folks that I'm worth knowing and that it's your loss if you don't know me. Of course.. not in a cocky, a-holeish way.

I joked on FB on Friday that I would be peacocking in the city while I would be watching Cal play (aka get their ass handed to them by) USC. (They fought valiantly, actually - but just overmatched). So, it was just another same old-same old at Yancy's. Nothing wrong with that. Football, beer, friends, scrabble, cards, silliness, and all that.

Hung out at C-mo's former crib with former roomie.

Watched a few episodes for The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Saw that the school, the phony University of LA, had a mascot of PEACOCKS. I'm sure it had to do with the show being on NBC, but I thought it was funny. I didn't intend to be out that late. I never thought I'd EVER EVER EVER be in that house again. I MEAN.. EVER! And, there I was.. 2am in the morning seeing a random "peacock" reference after supposedly "peacocking" earlier in the night.

Neither had much weight though since there wasn't much to peacock for, but I thought it was funny.

So, maybe the great energy came in the expected (and LONG) path of changes our world will be undergoing.. and how much this feeling is different from 4 years ago.. wasn't what that energy was alluding to. The good energy moves on.. even in spurts.. but it goes on. Just not sure what all that means.

As usual.

Ulam cooked @ 3:57 PM

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Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Getting over you..
Funny the songs we use to get over people.. here we go. In the vain of the stages of grief or something.. (This is more of my younger self.. but I thought it was funny what I've used to "get over people").

Stage 1: Denial.
The denial here is that she doesn't mean anything to me and that it's lighthearted enough because.. I'm in denial that I don't like her all that much.

Song: "You're Not the 1" - The Grouch
Honorable Mention: "Big Pimpin'" Jay-Z

Stage 2: Anger.
I realize that I have deeper rooted feelings for her. I realize that there was an opportunity that something could've happened. I realize that I'm tired of her bullshit games.

Song: "Sic Wit Tis" - Mac Mall
Honorable Mention: "Your Gyrlfriend" - Kurupt

Stage 3: Bargaining
I realize that I'm less angry at her than I am at the situation. I sulk sulk sulk thinking that I have control of the situation. Not her. I pretend I have control. I pretend that I'm leaving her behind. I pretend that it's better for her.. and me.

Song: "Do What I Gotta Do" - Ralph Tresvant

Stage 4: Depression
I realize that all I can do is sulk. I realize that I'll be single forever. I realize that all this sadness just makes me respond with negativity. I am spiteful.

Song: "Superman" - Eminem

Stage 5: Acceptance
I realize that.. FUCK IT.. life is good. I realize that the sulking from the days before was just all silly. What's the best thing to do? Start the cycle over again.. find someone to crush on.

Song? No song.
MOVIE: "SWINGERS"

"I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man. You're a bad man, bad man."

- Trent

Ulam cooked @ 8:17 PM

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Tuesday, November 04, 2008

6:28PM Election Day 2008
4 years ago I was naïve.
I chose to believe.
I acted on conviction,
Represented my heart with full distinction.
Sick of the world. Fighting for change.
Got caught up in hope
I couldn’t maintain
Levity in an unfair world,
I begged for folks to be heard,
The injustices would stop,
I thought… we were smarter than not.
But with electronic machines
And without paper trails,
The momentum prevailed.
The wrongness prevailed.

Repeated mistakes by the people
Fighting for decreased rights of the people
Does it ever.. change – whatever the face?
Whoever it is that wins this race?
Is there reason for me to believe,
Beyond thundersticks or magic tricks revealed,
That democracy prevails in the face of
Tyrannical hail,
The oppression from fear…
What do they matter, the numbers we near
If Wednesday’s just like Monday
Without the bickering ads or
the pundits’ play-by-play?

Presidents have come, and presidents have left,
But the same suspects are the same victims
Victimizing ourselves in rhythm,
And propositions and legislation
Keep passing in the eyes of the constitution’s devastation.
4 years ago, we fought for the same,
The economy, the war, the shame
Of democracy’s endorsement of the dissolution
Of civil right,
The same old fight. The same old fight.
4 years ago is 4 years fast foward,
4 years ago is today. It’s Tuesday,
And to what do what to look toward?

Today is a new day of the same old,
Same old struggles with the future of the people sold,
To the same 5% who have controlled the world,
The ones with the money and agendas unfurled.
So tell me, again, why my anxiety
should be anything but given their puppetry
given that society
keeps telling we,
that only certain people, with certain ideas
and certain bank accounts
deserve equality
in our mythical land of liberty.
Tell me what stones we have left to throw
At the folks we don’t want to know
And want to keep swept into a corner
Adept in the corner so we continue not to know
Or to understand or to bestow
Rudimentary human decency
Because today, like 4 years ago, we don’t know what that means.

There are the faces, the ages, the situations
The bad choices, the lack of atonement, the insinuations
The grieving, the leaving,
The heartbeats lost to the sheathing
Of swords fought in modern day crusades,
Why decide to pray if you’re just hoping for hate today?
The hearts broken, the hope taken, the children left sick,
Because their parents are given tricks.
Criminalization and fingers pointed.
It’s not us. It’s them. We say. With their guiltiness anointed.
They’re wrong. We’re right. Is that right?
Why are we so eager to incite instead of pushing for insight?
Is this what is supposed to excite me?
4 years after I hoped upon hope for the best in society.
And got the least.

Should I expect more than another defeat?

Because 4 years from now, is there any proof
That all this, just won’t
Repeat?

Ulam cooked @ 6:28 PM

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