Monday, February 12, 2007
the Sports Guy's take on Timberlake
From Bill Simmons, aka the Sports Guy, at Espn.com's Page 2:
"It's a tie between Justin Timberlake and Chase Budinger for "white guy who does the best job transcending his whiteness." Justin Timberlake is performing right now, although he made the tragic decision not to sing "D*** in a Box." Hey, it's OK to think he's talented, right? Two hit albums AND he's one of the best SNL hosts ever AND he sold at the highest point possible on Britney's stock AND he wrote the best revenge song ever (the "Cry Me A River" song that pretty much murdered Britney's soul) AND he's plowing through every hot female in Hollywood right now. He's a hero, I say."
No doubt. I totally agree. It's been what I've been saying for a while.
1) Who remembers him as a member of Nsync? Really.
2) SNL is the real CAPPER here. 2 SNLs - totally non-fluke. His re-occurring roles/skits hit better than a lot of the regulars'.
3) and yes, he's a hero
Thursday, February 08, 2007
the mistiming of john the artard robeast
As per previous post, I thought of documenting my dating history to account for "timing" issues.
Yesterday and the past few weeks have been i dunno... (fragment)... (mind you I've had a crush on her since I first shook her hand. And MIND YOU, I've told myself for all these months that there's NO WAY she could be SINGLE. Oh, I hate it when I'm right.)
Okay.
Ninja - she's in a serious, yet unofficial. maybe she was lying about the chemistry. will never really know, right?
timeline.
Okay.
3rd grade: first girlfriend. End of the year. In Summer, I moved to California. I think bad-timing is in my blood. Haha.
7th Grade: end of the year thing. Summer break. Beginning of 8th grade, she came back with a boyfriend! We eventually got together and lasted 5 weeks. (This problem runs deep. =P) I guess 5 weeks is pretty good for 8th grade, huh?
9th – 10th grade, MT: Initially, I saw her through a pic from my friend. I was interested – nothing happened. She was sorta quiet and I was sorta hung up on someone else. Fast forward to Dec. '93, finally got going... ended it, uh.., the day after Valentine’s Day, because, uh, I had feelings for someone else. Oh man, karma sucks.
11th grade, CR: This may be considered as the INTERNSHIP that lead me to this life of being a PROFESSIONAL rebound. She was getting out of a relationship – this one worked out, I guess since we were together for basically two years (and sometimes I feel like I never fully recovered.)
So, one month into this relationship (we were only talking at the time), MT’s Junior Prom’s coming up (as is mine) and she asks me if I wanted to go. And I sorta wanted to go – just as friends of course. But, my mom said it was too expensive to go to both AND I felt this “commitment” to CR even though we were only “talking”. In retrospect, had I gone to the Junior Prom, my life could’ve really made a big ass different turn.
Anyway, fast forward to the summer. MT was moving to Guam. CR and I were 4 months into our official relationship, but I probably only saw her in person as a girlfriend about 4 or 5 times (maybe less). Actually, let’s count, starting with the quick, “Wanna be my girlfriend?” trip AFTER a great America trip (oh, high school!) – maybe 2 times after school, July 4th. Okay, so that’s 4 times. Oh, I think the 1 month anniversary, too.. for like 5 minutes. Hahah.
Oh, back to the story: So MT and I started talking a lot more those last few weeks before she moved to Guam and the chemistry that wasn’t there when we were together WAS there. But she moved – and I was in some sort of relationship. We wrote letters. A few months later, she moved back – with a boyfriend (at least in long distance form). I still was with CR. And me and MT drifted because of our situations.
MT was so sweet though. What coulda been, right? Nah.
Move on.
Fall ’96: I meet this chick who loves wrestling, who loves Bon Jovi, who doesn’t drink-smoke-do drugs, etc. But I’m still with CR. (2 Weird Concurrent and somewhat Conflicting Lessons: 1) don’t ever go to college or a new experience anchored by a relationship – especially if you’re only 17 or 21 or 38 – you close so many experiences being held down AND 2) don’t ever get into a relationship at the start of college or a new experience because you close so many experiences being held down. Meaning? It might’ve been nice to see what would’ve transpired between a 17yo John and 18yo Chel, but 10 years later, I’m sure WE’re both glad we’re just best friends. Yuck, the thought. Hahah. That’s YUCK out of pure LOVE. =P)
Spring ’97: After the break-up with CR, I rebounded. I honestly felt a legitimate connection with LS, but emotionally I was all screwy. But, at this point it was a moot point because she was interested in one of my boys.
Summer ’97: I rebounded again with someone else. I wasn’t over CR. This is why CR had a lot to do with TIMING in my life. Bad me. I thought I paid for this already. More on that later.
Late Summer ’97: I re-rebounded with LS. This time, connection was mutual. This time, as I did earlier in summer, I wasn’t over CR. It didn’t help that CR gave me a tape (haha a mixtape) the end of summer that “reminded her of me” but “didn’t mean anything” with a bunch of “I miss you” type songs. WHAT? So, had I been single that summer and was more bold, I could’ve theoretically gotten back with CR, but I wasn’t so I didn’t. Instead, I was setting up a beautiful girl for a fall. Stupid me.
Spring ’98: LS slowly forgave me (bless her heart) and our year-long bout of ambiguous-yet-obvious flirtation began. Nothing happened – in fact – I found as many reasons to run away from her when we would get closer prompting my homie to advise, “dude, you need to talk to her”. But you know what? I never did. Even during Bday ’98 when she took me out to dinner, I was crawling along scared that I’d get confronted with my long-winded mixed message campaign. Didn’t happen. Eventually we drifted – and fortunately for her – she found the much better guy that she deserved.
Winter 1999 (?): there was a super coveted someone who I happened to have a nice friendship with. Maybe could’ve tried something. There was a big party that we were hanging out for most of it – was gonna do the last dance thing with her – but what happened? She met this guy – and she’s been in and out with him ever since. GREAT timing.
January 1999 – September 1999 was a relative blur. Timing issue: there just wasn’t anyone. I guess that was the time snub.
September 1999: I met KD and pounced. What I get? An 18yo (I was 20), who was trying to (but also not really trying to) get over an ex. Rebounding. Vulnerable. What that meant was a whirlwind of a few weeks of intense emotion and a REALLY FUCKED UP birthday, xmas, and new year’s. I love her now – great girl, but she gave me one of these: “I’m still hung up on my ex” – mind you on my birthday that was a total microcosm of our whole meandering and mixed messaged relationship – and a few weeks later, she calls me one morning to tell me she made out with some other dude trying to holler. I think this was my official transition into Professional status as a rebound.
November 2000: JD, who I thought was cute since I met her, was suddenly single. So, as I did with KD, I pounced. Professional rebound: mind you, I wasn’t doing this rebounding to take advantage of vulnerable girls – I was really into playing this stupid ass “Superman” game. Anyway, with me being officially single for so long and her being hyper seriously in a relationship for so long: our relationship styles just didn’t fit right. So, I bolted. Luckily, I was moving out of Davis. Sadly, I really didn’t tie the loose ends like a real man should. Stupid me. Damn Karma. Haha.
(Side note: with the official status of mutual dating relationships [though never official couplehood] with LS, other girl, KD, and JD [and one more person] the total weeks I was in those situations is a generously estimated 26 weeks. And CR was 2 years.)
Now, the next few years were a blur again.
There was the epic CD experience of 2001-2002. Her issue? Guess. Oh, she was getting over a recent split from an ex. Pro-rebound, yo. What can I say? This experience was the epitome of mixed messages. I thought I was receiving the penance all in one experience from all my own guilty experiences of mixed messaging. This one hurt as did KD. And they weren’t even real relationships. CD and my timing never worked. In the end, I’m glad it didn’t. Oh, I can say that with everyone, btw, at least in retrospect.
There was a short lived KA experience in late 2002, but if you wanna talk about timing: she was single but had a lingering ex-boyfriend, she also had one of our mutual friends express interest in her a few DAYS before I officially did… so bad. Worked out in the end, I guess.
Wow, 2002-2006 is whole ‘nother blur.
There was a JG who seemed interested, got a date, and then she ran off and got into a relationship with someone. There was a M_ who was nice, but too young. There was a HV who was single and getting over a bunkass relationship – who officially rejected me and found her way back into the same bunkass relationship a few months later. Essentially: I go on dates once in a blue coyote sighting. More essentially: I’ve only been deeply enchanted by a few folks up to this point. All three liked me or loved me: but all didn’t want me in their lives. Woop woop.
august 06 - initially, i got the wrong info that girl was single. jumped in. she wasn't. but.. well.. maybe that would've been best left as is. birth of mr. neverwas, btw.
And FINALLY, there’s ninja.
From the lot of the little that I truly know...
Well. Nevermind. It doesn’t matter anyway, right?
Timing, shimming.
uppers, downers, all arounders
I started the day sorta high-ish. tired, but high-ish.
what i ended the night with last night, sorta, was a combo text message to miss-most-recent-unrequited.
with no text message back.
but like i said yesterday, i kinda just gave up *outwardly* caring so it was a blahzay moment.
eventually got a response via email - and it picked me up a bit, even though i was already up a bit (just tired as fuck). but, as i told someone, "i was more scared than excited". the response seemed to reek of an impending "THE [rejection] TALK".
paid it no mind. at least i was going to get a chance to spend more time with her.
so off we went.
had a nice dinner. had a long conversation about funny stories and continued to vibe.
got late.
so we left.
said goodbye without "THE TALK".
but wait, there's more.
"umm, there's actually something I wanted to talk to you about..."
uh oh
so she gave a quick spiel that basically stated that her heart already belonged to someone else even though it wasn't completely "official" it was serious enough to not be compatible with dating others.
totally appreciated the honesty and the swiftness in ending my fleeting attempts early.
but wait, there's more.
there was a comment to the effect of: "if there wasn't someone else, then [we] would be [something sort of] a go"
she likes spending time with me.
so we said goodbye with smiles and again my respect for her raises even more - considering i already thought highly of her.
as i drove - informing my supports of the updates, i was happy. a nice, wonderfully addictive girl at least felt some sort of reciprocal chemistry towards me. i know, in retrospect and in self-respect, that this shouldn't surprise me - BUT IT ALWAYS DOES.
got home. caught LOST. found myself somewhat losing attention at times - not for lack of execution in the episode (because tonight was done well), but from what just happened.
and 10 minutes after i finished watching LOST, i was sad.
and I am still sad.
I started imagining her with some anonymous man - the things that those who share reciprocated emotions do in happiness and etc. And my spirit started eeking out. Maybe it was fatigue - maybe the advil wore off - maybe my defense mechanism ran out and reality set in.
in the car i was cursing my timing - it's always my timing - MY timing, the completely independent wavelength i have with the world, the timing that's allowed me to screw myself out of nice opportunities with great girls and the timing that's allowed great girls to not need a nice opportunity with me. in fairness, my timing's also helped me avoid some major landmines - so in the end, i suppose it's a wash.
favorite texts:
because i didn't want to mention the whole "serious, but not official" situation to someone, i basically answered the "what happened" question with:
"someone else has her heart"
"loneliness is bliss"
"i'm getting sad now. totally not a chance at a relationship thing. i really dig her. =("
...
...
So, there was some of this verbage for a second, "i totally don't believe in waiting for ANYONE. but for her, i might have to change my mind."
but, in essence, though I can wait and, at the moment, WOULD for a real chance with her, i don't want to harbor those feelings because:
1) it's not fair to me
2) it's not fair to her as a person because i despise alterior motives
and
3) deep inside i'd be hoping for her relationship to not work out, and that's purely spiteful. i'm not that selfish - nor should anyone else. what's the point of hoping to be happy if it's at the sake of others'?
nah. loneliness truly is bliss.
and thus, no woe, no scorn, no contentment - i'm just frakkin' sad, because, even though I can and will let go of my interest in her, she's still so damn worth it.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
"teen drama" line of the day
line one:
imagine the couple. post "bust'out" of the guy to the girl. he's calmly and logically defending his case:
"if you could see how I see you, then you wouldn't want to give up either."
entropy
i think my spirit's caught up to my stomach. my stomach can't digest these stupid, silly hopes. last week was major woe week. this week? a badly paced shift towards apathy.
no, no. it's not anything dramatic - but at this point, i'm just dusting it off my shoulder -
but not really.
i'm not ready to give up yet.
but i'm also ready to not give a fuck about it.
romantic overtures suck. must be why i hate plots being cheapened by romantic twists.
Monday, February 05, 2007
i am a loser.
i think i should change the name of this blog to "grilled cheese" because I am in fact cheesey and in fact grilled. I don't know what that means. Grilled Cheese is actually lightly fried and I, in fact, am lightly fried (fatigue, emotional baggage, and randomosity).
Poem later.
the WB teen drama lines (in my head) of the day
No, I'm not going to repost the funniest, stupidest, most ridiculously sappy and entertaining only because they drastically fell short of what they were supposed to induce.
No, that's for Livin' Proof world. This, is more of the craziness in my own grilled cheese head of hearts. Thanks to another wonderfully amorously-ambiguous weekend and a meandering 8:30 Monday Morning meeting. And special thanks to her laughs that are so full of life no matter how small the joke.. and the.. oh no.. poem time.. I mean later.
Line one:
See a couple. Knee-deep into a relationship, still wading in uncertainties of each others' personality and their own roles in the couple-hood. They discuss reactions to differing plans. He's not a worry-wart or a jealous-type asshole - but he's engaged to her being. She questions him on his apprehension of sorts. He replies,
"Do you want me not to be scared to lose you?"
And they discuss how much she means to him.
Line two:
See, again, a couple, but not in a relationship. His "love" is still unrequited, but they still spend a wonderful time together. He expresses his desire for a more meaningful relationship:
"I want moments; not just one fleeting act of romance."
Line three:
See the same couple in Line two. This would be a derivative or an alternate to the prior line.
"I don't these moments to be stolen[, and if this one moment is all you'll give me, then I can't keep it.]"
I'll start adding these periodically, because, sadly, they pop into my head often.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
tee hee
i am not a fan favorite of the ladies.
i give up.
i'm so glad i have a wii.
and an hdtv.
and hd-cable.
and an x-box.
and comic books.
and retro shoes.
and a world of warcraft account.
and a cheap PUR filtered water jug.
and chapped knuckles.
and ashy elbows.
and a video ipod.
and no singing voice.
and my peak social years way behind me.
i like dark rooms and alone time.
haha.
AHHHHHH!
It's already Frakkin' FEBRUARY!!!!
I think i'm saying Frak too much. It's even permeated my dreams.
