Tuesday, December 27, 2005

and PART 2. to my friends...
I miss a lot of people who used to be integral parts of my life. I really miss them. When I was thinking about Katie - I thought more about lots of folks who I don't even really know anymore. I don't know the 2005 - soon to be 2006 - them. This is why that thought process that started with a desire for some good punk music was described as saddening.

And so I thought of writing. I thought of writing in my small, yet public world, about my friends who I still love dearly, who are more like strangers to me know. I thought of writing about our good times and why I miss them now. I thought of writing. And this may be the best writing I'll ever do in 2005. I haven't read Mitch Albom's "Five People You Meet in Heaven" yet, though I intend to. So I couldn't tell you what is the premise of the book. But, I have a list of the Great People I've Met Who've Made Earth Like Heaven. It's never exhaustive, though I will try to recount in all fairness.

Focusing on my old job, I'll focus on some of the folks who I've lost real connection with.

Sunshine aka Vanessa.
For a time, she was one of my closest friends. For a time, actually, many of the folks at the old job were my closest friends mainly due to the amount of time we spent together at work and subsequently after work. But Sunshine represented more. I named her Sunshine (on my livejournal) because she was always a good time and we laughed a lot. When we would see each other, she'd give me a huge hug and would act happy to see me. To tell you the truth, my old job made it so easy to be single because I was not only surrounded by beautiful women, but they were all so great INSIDE and the purely platonic love we had for each other filled that emotional need we all have. AND with the hugs and good times, it also filled the need for physical (and PURELY platonic) affection.

We escorted each other for some events. For hers, I was her escort one day to her friends' weddings. For mine, she escorted me to our first G-Informal Formal. Aside from that though, were the random things we shared. At work, we often sang Rent songs together and other musicals. After work, we'd hang out with our other friends from work at bars, clubs, or whatever. She helped me start crocheting while we sat in her family room watching bad sleazy tv. She and Clutch were with me when I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge as well as explored some great places in NY. She also said that for whatever reason, I could tell when there was something wrong going on with her - and that I could open that gate of tears when she wanted to not cry even though she needed to. And, even though I'm not sure if it's true, I didn't try to make her cry or notice when something was wrong. And, even if it wasn't true, it was still nice to think that a friend thought that highly of you.

But now we don't talk much - except for those scheduled moments, those EVITE moments. And I just realize now, as I talked about the sincerity of our hugs in the past that the last time I saw her, there was awkwardness. I think there was because of our distance and maybe some of my projection and insecurity about the status of our friendship. I miss her. When I saw RENT the movie two weeks ago, I thought of her as "Light My Candle" showed because that was the cheesey shit we did to have a good time. I called her the next day (on my birthday) to share that memory with her, but I got her voicemail. I left a message sans an explicit request for a returned call. No returning phone call was received and I heard that she flew out to the Philippines for vacation. I'm sure she was busy. No worries. I still miss her.

Clutch.
I'm leaving her name anonymous though if you know me well and know my friends in person, you'd probably know who I'm talking about. Otherwise, she prefers to keep herself anonymous on the internet so I'll honor that. Now, Clutch and I had a different friendship. Living in close proximity gave each of us a sense of "by default" hanging out time - not that we didn't want to hang out, but it just made it easier for us to hang out since we lived so close. Also, we had known each other for a long time - since college. She was one of the people who I can proudly and sheepishly say that I became closer with through an AIM window. Anyway, she began work at my old job so we were more in proximity.

Outside of the old job though, we spent a lot of time just hanging out - either by going on the slopes, chatting it up at starbucks, going to the bar, and most often by watching movies together. I've always been a media whore, but my appreciation of the movie-theatre-going-experience really developed with her. My love for movie trailers grew from this and I have her movie-going characteristic to thank for this. In the past, I used to wait until the last moment to go to the theatre and watch the movie. In my old point of view, the previews were the buffer zone for finding parking and finding a seat before settling in. Now, I make time to see the trailers. I love the craft of them and the excitement they can create.

Part of the movie experience, as well as the others, was the chatting part. This involved sharing of great stories she had experienced doing some fun things with her girls at the clubs, in vegas, or wherever. I was usually a silent listener, especially towards the end. We haven't talked in a few months, but the internet gives us the opportunity to peak into each others' lives if wanted.

From July to December, I didn't see ONE SINGLE MOVIE in the theatre. The movie wasn't just a movie - but a great escape and experience I could share with a friend for 2 hours. Now, I don't do either. (I also like watching movies by myself. At times, I feel like going solo more than going with a companion. What a bad habit I've started. But that is another thought shared in blogpost form.

More later. It's getting early.

Ulam cooked @ 3:52 AM

 0 of the headscratch variety

recurring theme: what happened? Part 1.
What happened in the last 3 years to the dude that used to be a magnet of fun times, of passionate indulgence, of laughter spontaneous with folks without needing a schedule for them (the fun times - not so much for the people)?

Where have I gone? Where am I know? Or maybe, I'm just a changed being. Maybe I'm an object of the everyday, natural, and psychological evolution described by Erickson - but I'm still an adolescent in many senses - so why have I drifted so swiftly? As a being naturally searching for a nest of belonging, maybe the transitions of my friends dictate the changes moreso than my own changes. But, yet, it's strange to call, to email, to even attempt any form of re-connection with some folks (maybe all folks). Strange. In an age where connection is so easily accesible - I've become more isolated.

Two and a half years ago, I left my old job that had run its course, but my friends who I left should've still been easy to proceed with. We know proximity will lead to fondness (if the folks who are in proximity make sense together). I guess it's the same thing in every step we take away from our post. We leave groups of people who we acquaint with, some more intimately with than others, with each logical next step we make. If we all stood still, we couldn't grow. And I guess growing greatly also means growing apart.

I've had the blessing of many great friends - and now they're gone - even though some are less than 15 minutes away in a car, 5 minutes away from an email, and 10 seconds away from a call on the celly. What happened?

While I was driving home today from Vallejo where I was with Dar and Dave and some of the barrelpeople, I began a deeply saddening thought process with an idea to ask Katie to compile a solid punk cd for me. Then I thought about how we only connect through a quirky-make-sense-for-us trading of random ass emails and text messages. All great friends are worth keeping in touch with, but she's the type of person you feel extremely lucky to meet that you should never let her get away. But while she's in her own great world and I in mine - we've become too distant to talk. To talk like friends do, though we're still friends.

I began to think about how she's the type of person who pushes you to be fake around. Not FAKE in a bad way.. but FAKE in the sense that you want to alter yourself so that she always sees the greatness in you (because the greatness that she sees in people are the small details that are the foundation of human dignity). FAKE in the sense that you're practicing. No, preparing. You're preparing to actually become that great person who someone so wonderfully uplifting can actually be proud of. And the moments and conversations we shared pushed me to build towards the man I wanted to be. But we no longer talk - and though I take along the moments we shared as lessons and inspiration, the ongoing motivation definitely has a void to fill. And, to top it off, she had a great laugh, and we spent lots of moments in between the introspective ones to share ours with each other. Laughter. Shared.

Where have my friends gone?

Ulam cooked @ 3:03 AM

 0 of the headscratch variety

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Please help out these classrooms:
Here is a wishlist from 3 classrooms of a local elementary school. If you'd like to donate some stuff, please let me KNOW

THANKS

Kindergarten

20 glue
20 glue sticks
20 markers (in a box)
20 crayons (in a box)
6 boxes of pencils (12 in a box)
2 rolls of masking tape
1 pack of paper bags
1 pack of paper plates
20 erasers

(as you can see, all she wishes for our basic school
supplies =)


5th/6th grades

1) 35 legal pads (yellow)
2) pocket dictionaries
3) any art materials
4) Science videos (Earth Science especially)


4th/5th grades

* Nothing Ever Happens on 90th Street by Roni Schotter

* The Whales by Cynthia Rylant (she also has a book titled,
The Whale, but I use The Whales in my classroom -- I've had
to check out these 2 books from the Pleasanton library just
so i can use it in my classroom!!)

* A complete set of encyclopedias (even if they're very
old)

* Overhead Projector "Fanny Pack"

* Chart & Poster bags (that can hold up to 32" high x 23
1/2" wide

* School Pro pencil sharpener

I found the last three items I listed on
http://www.callowayhouse.com

Ulam cooked @ 4:16 PM

 1 of the headscratch variety