Tuesday, July 26, 2005

So tonight is the end of the family vacation - and as Cyndi joked before we left, it was definitely National Lampoon's-like in terms of calamity but the gags weren't as humorous. I still had fun though despite seriously thinking of leaving early on Saturday after a tumultuous Thursday. (Hence the "bullshit" post).

Unfortunately, this is a public website and and access to it is.. hmm.. i guess impossible to filter. With that...

I'm glad I came despite the feeling of all the worst prickly insects crawling up through my veins at times - I don't know how this family is so functional but it is tragically dysfunctional in a functional sense. It's confusing yes.

I was able to bond with my cousins who I technically didn't know for squat for most of our lives. I was able to talk a bit with my Tita Lucy (one of my mom's younger siblings). I think watching my mom and my aunt communicate with each other was the most endearing. My mom is the full blown Ate and my aunt is the full blown ading. Anyway, seeing my mom with any of her siblings is endearing since she doesn't get to be with them often. I was also happy to talk briefly with my Tita Bing and see pictures of her daughters.. her eldest in particular because the last time I saw her she was just a little rugrat.. one of the many.. and now she's grown and looks like her mom. It's cute. I couldn't imagine how it feels to leave your fam (especially your kids) to go to a far off country to work their way to a better life.

I was able to spend considerable amount of time talking with my cousins, two more so than the third, and that felt good. As that we are family, we have a natural connection I guess, but knowing the people and getting to know their lives and struggles and their enjoyments feels great. Through them, I was also able to get updates on a lot of my other cousins and family (tsismis) in the Philippines.

It was weird... that even though we were in Canada.. at times I thought we were in the Philippines because there was so much Ilocano and Tagalog being spoken that at night when I was going to sleep I'd hear echoes of ilocano running through my head. The cool thing is that I was able to follow along for the most part - especially aided when tagalog or english was thrown in. But, I definitely recognize words now and even word structure. I think I should ask my mom to speak to me in both at home.

And two gems of the vacation were my two nephews Noynoy (Adriel) and Andre. They're so much fun. They dance (and are relentlessly energized) and they sing - just like their mom. Their mom is a very young mother with two children, but she's definitely a mom. She is good. We didn't really talk much until tonight after dinner, but she was very open and I appreciate that.

Other things I learned:
Two more of my cousins in the Philippines have kids - now that makes.. hmm.. 4 on my mom's side and 2 on my dad's side. None of them are married. The most recent one I feel somewhat closer to me because I had a relationship with her.. she's 7 years younger than me.. so when the last time i saw her.. she was only 11 and I was 19 or something like that. We wrote a few times. AND NOW, she has a frickin baby. She's on the list of letters to write.. for her in particular, i'm sending a congrats card. I just want to make sure she knows WE (my whole family) support her.

hmm.

Those are the positives. Family drama always sucks. My mom blew up at a bunch of us when she was panicking in a sense about a water bottle. It was kinda funny - scary, but funny. Hmm. The family tsismis in the Philippines isn't totally positive. Bad behavior. Tsk tsk on my little cousins. Hahah.

I wish Vancouver was closer.
I'd like to live here sometime.
The women walking around were plentiful. The hot women walking around were damn plentiful. Hmm.
I talked to a random stranger - our waitress. I mean, not only as in asking for food but talking about her favorite bars after she served us.
"EWW" Girl as I'll now refer to her lingered in my mind off and on.
I wish my fam was closer.
Once I get my finances settled and I get budgeted (hopefully by November) I am thinking about setting aside money for my family in the Philippines and specifically for Tita Bing's family. I won't tell my mom about it. I'm probably just going to work with my cousin to set up some kind of account. Dunno. I'm also gonna start giving Lola some money regularly.

Seattle tomorrow and then a return to the freedom and confines of home.

Ulam cooked @ 11:18 PM

 0 of the headscratch variety

Thursday, July 21, 2005

bullshit
FUCK YOU!

Ulam cooked @ 10:43 PM

 0 of the headscratch variety

Uh Oh
Uh oh.

It was never just a game. I was always sincere. I mean, I was interested and that was real. Yet, even a few days earlier, the pursuit was more of the process and the promise of something random. Maybe a connection to be built – but more just a quirk of a quirk, but I did have a shovel cuz I was digging her.

But now, it’s officially an uh oh. Now, it’s more than just something silly or grabbing at straws. Now, there’s a gem that’s shining and my eye’s been pulled into the tractor beam. My eye is hooked and my infatuation is indulgent.

The first thing I noticed a few days ago is that I really like saying her name. I don’t know why in particular, but it’s a cute name. I think it totally fits her also. And then I started to notice that I liked hearing her voice. At first I wasn’t enamored by the voice – you know, over-picky, ridiculously fickle stuff. But it developed into a sonic elixir. It’s not so much like it makes me melt or I need to hear it. It’s not even the content of our discussions because we’ve tended to hit walls at times. I just liked hearing her voice.

This morning welcomed the legitimate uh oh red flags. Yesterday was a good day by the way. I was offered a job that I wanted, I was offered a job period, we had lunch, I gave her some cheesy crap, she sorta welcomed them but also rejected them, but either way – the way I told some folks, “It [was] a nice day to get rejected.” So I guess the night was capped with too much damn prime rib and maybe the meat fought back this morning as I was sitting at the airport.

I was listening to the Garden State soundtrack. That, in itself, was probably troublesome. I sat there, tired from getting my ipod prepared for the vacation, intoxicated with pensive music and I caught myself smiling. I think some smiles were due to replaying the images from the day before – during lunch, her smiles in particular. The worst, though, were the smiles that we sparked by the images of her discomfort from my attempts to pry her open with my dorkiness, my pestiness, and my sincerity. [Specifically, because she had been so supportive of my job search and stressful waiting for a call back I decided to soup up a resume and cover letter to give her as an attempt to “apply” for a chance to date her. She called back and told me, “I regret to inform you that we are not currently accepting applications… but it made my day.”] She dogged me a few times. I heard some, “ewws” and “your grosses”. I smiled more. I pictured her uncomfortable looks of sarcastic outrage and subtle (I hope) giddiness. And I continued to smile.

At that point, I knew I was in some sort of trouble. The simple interest had transitioned to borderline crush. I thought to myself, “OH SHIT, I frickin LIKE her.” It’s not a like like I’m gonna jump off a bridge or get all cracked out because she doesn’t like me back. It’s not drastic at all. It’s just that before, when I was just pursuing a chance and pursuing the understanding of who this woman is, it was purely interest. I was just interested. But now I have legitimate feelings. When yesterday it was a silly resolution that I’m “done” with her in that sense because her walls are too high and thick, now it’s “aww man, why won’t she just give in, even for just a bit.”

I can’t do much now. Uh. Give up? Oh.

Ulam cooked @ 12:02 AM

 0 of the headscratch variety

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

All of a Sudden
It is the undermining
Feelings of, umm,
Something redefining how I come to
Understand my existence.
I thought my persistence
Was a single edged sword
Attacking her walls to gain accord
But the foil has foiled me
Dueling my senses
Catching me slipping
Like the platform was oily.

And now she refuses to join me
And all of a sudden
Her idiosyncrasies are poison to my focus
Addictive mannerisms
Igniting my heart’s new magnum opus.

All of a sudden
The games of sincerity – of just asking for a chance
And just asking of some attention
Have been caught in suspension –
Because from this distance
I’m caught amused by her dimension.

When it was just a simple diagnosis
Of an early attempt at an advanced prognosis
The prescription was simple,
Just inhale her once a week –
It wasn’t too deep to get into.

All of a sudden
I’m smiling at nothing
Just something with remnants of her.
When before it was real with a bit of not really,
Now it’s FOR REAL – and she got the
Whatever to heal me.

I mean, I’m not sick – just officially sparked
With a light unexpected at the start.

- r4

Ulam cooked @ 11:37 PM

 0 of the headscratch variety

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

MY JOBBY JOB!

I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB!!! WOOHOO!!!

Here's the description:

Community Outreach Specialist for Youth Development Initiative

POSITION, PURPOSE AND OBJECTIVES:
To coordinate and support Youth Development efforts in San Mateo County in partnership with a youth leadership team.

ESSENTIAL JOB FUNCTIONS:
1. Support youth leadership team to create and maintain a countywide website that will serve as a clearinghouse for Youth Development efforts throughout San Mateo County.
2. Coordinate community “fishbowl” focus groups to identify community improvement projects that can be implemented through youth-adult partnerships.
3. Train youth in community organizing and change strategies.
4. Train adults in positive youth development and effective ways to support youth-led efforts.
5. Provide on-going technical assistance to support successful implementation of community improvement projects identified in the “fishbowl” focus groups.
6. Provide opportunities for youth throughout San Mateo County to come together for training and networking events.
7. Provide opportunities for youth and adults to come together for training and networking events.
8. Provide support and structure for youth members through regular meetings and other accessible opportunities related to youth development.
9. Represent the youth development perspective on community collaboratives, adolescent partnerships, and at other meetings with community at large as appropriate.
10. Implement the mission and vision of YFES as developed by the Board of Directors and Executive Staff. This includes representing YFES in the community at large to promote the services of the program, as well as other programs within the agency.
11. Other duties as assigned.

Ulam cooked @ 4:23 PM

 2 of the headscratch variety

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

This is my submission to my family's infrequent writing assignments. We taked three random words and incorporate them into a piece.

the THREE words:
brother (from the netflix Entourage season 1, disc 2 DVD slip)
regrets (from the Sims 2 game manual)
accordance (from the passport renewal form)



[start]

Whoever asked me to be my brother's keeper
asked in vain,
cuz nowadays there ain't no back
worth watching but mine.

And that's from an optimist.

What's the point of servitude
and hunger striking out against
the world's most formidable villains
when sainthood ain't nothing more than
best wishes and melancholy
pats on the back?

Who wants your damn hand on my back?
Your dirty, guilty, forsaken hand -
the weapon of mass destruction conveniently
hidden behind a pen and a pedastal.
Stop mocking our deaths with your
fake submissions of regrets.
You don't cry for any soul
worth less than your jet's full tank.
Please
halt
your
act.

Because you know nothing of action
or of determining the course of the future
through progress or any ounce of positive.
You are a liar -
a devil dressed in clown's clothing
reaching out as you hover
behind our vision
inserting bullets on our spines
like knives.

I march on this brick road -
it's more red than yellow
running from flying monkeys
that your hatred continues to birth.
I march in accordance to the cadence
of our gathered heartbeat
while you drink our blood
like the leech that you are.

Let you live through our destruction
as you play your cloak and dagger routine
like the wizard -
but home isn't where the heart is anymore.
Just a dungeon of sacrifice
as you play.
As you
play.

Ulam cooked @ 11:09 PM

 0 of the headscratch variety

Monday, July 11, 2005

Vegas Withdrawal

I think I'm going through that. Not so much the casinos or the strip or whatever. It was just so much fun. It was nice being with my cousins. It was nice being with the kids (and them recognizing me).

Hmm.

BTW, the Barrelmen lost Game 2 of the season against our friendly rivals. We have not so friendly rivals, but this team is our friendly rival. Anyway, we played like crap. Our lineup and defense had a bit of instability. I thought I had a good game hitting, but it wasn't fulfilling because it didn't do much to get us a win. Darnit.

I want a new bed.

Ulam cooked @ 11:45 PM

 0 of the headscratch variety
It's an interesting dichotomy - this "blog" thing. Actually - this journal thing. I don't think I've ever written my private thoughts for the prime purpose of my private viewing. Not that I fabricated what I wrote to make them viewer-ready - but I guess my issues regarding communication were dealt with through writing of thoughts and memoirs.

I feel, also, that though I do have a major barrier between my true thoughts and emotions from the everyday friend, I am also willing to discuss many things if someone were to ask.

Anyway, so on this blog, it's hard to be completely honest about anything because I know people who read this as well as people who read this know me. And though I try to be as open and sincere as possible, I still hold back many things because by chance some people who were not intended to read something do read it and a whole mess of drama may insue.

Weird insignificant non-drama.

I fool myself occassionally thinking that a person who I loved dearly in the past is either 1) uncomfortably and maybe unknowingly pulling me back into her heart and/or 2) the "one" in the end. Part of this misconception on my part is probably due to my lonliness (in that sense). The absence of a requited love can sometimes bore a whole in the existence of someone sappy as me - though never enough to be desperate to jump into anything I don't feel right about. Anyway, I know for many reasons that this person is her greatest asset to me as a platonic friend. Even with our friendship, it's quite obvious we're incapable of talking about anything substantial to ourselves. Lives, hopes, futures, passions, etc. are never discussed. And the fact that she'd never visit this "blog" solidifies that our friendship is great in our emotional and physical distance.

For the past week, I've been thinking about a girl who is difficult to gauge. And, I do for damn sure, think too damn much. I want to blame it on C of the 2001-2002 drama and maybe someone else before her. I mean, their my own issues, but the pavlov-conditioning happened in those two psuedo-relationships that were glorified with the girls' mixed feelings and mixed messages and my complete indulgence in that pure unhealthiness. Thinking too much has always been an issue for me. Overanalyzing. Thinking more than action. Those sorts of things. So now, I await a phone call return to reschedule our "second" date, but there is no call.

I don't even know if we're compatible. And interestingly enough, that's one of my major attractions towards her. I'm trying to be open-minded versus being hyper-picky like I feel I usually am.

I'm pretty damn sure she'll never approach this site with a 50 foot pole, either.

Ulam cooked @ 10:35 PM

 1 of the headscratch variety

Friday, July 08, 2005

THE Barrelmen Summer Schedule

06-27-05 6:45 PM vs. Distributors
07-11-05 6:45 PM vs. Indsta-Gators
07-18-05 8:00 PM vs. CBNC
07-25-05 9:15 PM vs. Station 2 Station
08-01-05 8:00 PM vs. Slow Motion
08-08-05 8:00 PM vs. Distributors
08-15-05 8:00 PM vs. Indsta-Gators
08-22-05 9:15 PM vs. CBNC
08-29-05 6:45 PM vs. Station 2 Station
09-05-05 Labor Day
09-12-05 9:15 PM vs. Slow Motion
09-19-05 Playoffs (TBD)

Ulam cooked @ 1:24 PM

 0 of the headscratch variety

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I finally played hold'em in a casino. Excalibur to be exact.

I wasted $50 the other night on $1 craps and $5 blackjack (lost $30 in like 7-10 minutes). Anyway, $50 would've been enough for me to make moves on a 1-3 or 2-4 table. What was I thinking trying to "build my stack"? My stack was good enough as it was.

I've clocked numerous hours of casino time this past weekend and I've barely played. Being broke does that. So, I'm down right now, but I came up minimally last night. I had actually doubled my stack but lost some on some decent sized pots that I flopped good draws but didn't catch anything on the turn or river. Big Slick left me stranded last night. Anyway, the bets were soft so I figured I might as well gamble since the pot size on any of the turns would've at least 10x my bet. Oh well.

Ulam cooked @ 4:00 PM

 0 of the headscratch variety